Friday, January 28, 2011
My cousin has this thing he calls "BEAST MODE". He's a ballplayer. He's super focused. And when it's that time right before spring training, he goes into "Beast Mode"....meaning.....he summons all of his strength and discipline and gets on his game. He works out, he stops drinking, he leaves the girls alone, and he goes into "Beast Mode". This happens to me when I get attacked by hate. I have sung this song before. "Oh it's so hard...oh people are so mean, oh....blah blah blah." Some people have husbands to talk to about this. Some people can sit and collapse in their arms and SOMEONE will tell them it will be okay. Thank God I have friends who know me. Because when I do go into Beast Mode....it isn't pretty. All of the armor comes up and I protect myself. Hard. Like Harder than ever. I have people literally trying to take my job...daily. From every turn. I have people I once trusted everything with "too afraid to talk to me" because....God only knows...oh yes, I'm mean and berate people and am condescending. I'm not sure which came first...the chicken or the bitch. I do know that I'm actually too nice. I bring on friends who may or may not be qualified to do anything for me, but I do it, get sucked in, and next thing you know I'm out of cash and out of my mind. Well no more. I am accepting of my bitchness. Why, cuz everyone else is going to sit around and talk about how fucked up shit is and I'm actually going to do something about it. I HAVE to do it. I HAVE to fight people off of me and I HAVE to be and stay in the zone because of the sharks who are out there. It's the people who wouldn't dare take the risks I take that talk the most shit any ways. Fuckers. So I no longer have time to mix business with pleasure. It is a distraction. it takes me out of the zone....the zone I need to stay in to fight said sharks. If God, Yuv and Bo Diebel are the last friends I have on earth because I'm such a bitch then so be it. At least I know they love me for who I am. Beast mode. In it. Rocking it. I'mma make a tshirt.