Friday, July 31, 2009

i Should be Blackberry's spokesmodel

No, for real. I go through 4 phones a year. I drop them at least 3 times a day and I throw them at least 3 times a week at my mental hologram assistants. Of course they're not there! I'm no Naomi Campbell, though I can't exactly say I disagree with her tirades. You don't know what that assistant did or didn't do prior to that phone sailing through the air! Don't even get me started!

In any event, I have the new Verizon Tour! I'm amazed that I'm typing from my bunk on the telephone. Crazy groovy. My ass needs to be asleep. The girls were jabbering so. I hate all girl buses. I need some niggas on here soon lest I lose my mind with talk of hair curling, eye lash application, and who I wish I could fuck. Wishing you could fuck is so....eww, desperate. Just be a stalker! Like me! Either you fuck that nigga or you don't and get over it.
That's why I had to break it off with Jeff.

Ok. I'm seriously delirious.

Good night.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Niggapalooza Does It Again

I got hit 3 times tonight. Not by all of the giant bodyguard negroes that were there, no blonde, 6'0 tall, cheery white boys skipping down the aisles cups filled with beer a'plenty, thrilled beyond belief to be at the "Young Money Presents: America's Most Wanted Music Festival". MTV, Rollingstone and Spin covered tonight. Ticket counts are unbelievable. Rows and rows of happy go lucky Wayne Concert goers.

It looked like people were having a great time. We put a good show together. I was stressed but I suppose not as much as I have been before. I flushed it all out over the weekend. It's not over yet, but it should be getting smoother. Tomorrow is a day off and I have to spend the whole day finishing Peas stuff. I should try to get a good nights sleep.

OH YEAH, I had to go to the dentist today. So I get my crown covered, and get 2 teeth filled. Took me 3 shots to get numb. Retarded. I was annoyed, but entertained by the hot George Hamilton dentist who slightly peeved me out. I had no where to go but to listen to his advances which were so forward, I could have thrown up. But he could have been slightly cute and great to hang with had he not been so forward. I mean damn. I know my skin is chocolatey smooth but SHIT. Stop rubbing on me. Wowzers.

I must nap now. I have to break news.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

I Think I've Given Up Jeff Goldblum

After waking up to put out a fire that never existed, I turn on the tv to watch CNN. Regular. One thing you can watch consistently each Sunday and in any hotel in America is CNN.

What I DIDN'T notice, was CNN Sunday morning anchor, TJ Holmes. That brother is fine! I wonder is he would be adverse to surfing? He is my new focus.

My farewell dinner last week with 3 friends was at Aqua Lounge. Jeff Goldblum, my Boo, was performing. After his set he came up to me and gave me a kiss and hug, told me how great the Roots were and how much they loved me. Then he walked away and I noticed something. That ass from the Fly and Independence Day? No where to be found. I don't even think he had on typical skinny jeans - but that didn't matter. He's so skinny. And maybe I've slightly fallen out of love with him. It's so sad. An end of an era.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Mother Goose .....On the Road Again

We've begun the America's Most Wanted Tour. I've got to tell you. Running a business is hard work. The more employees you acquire the more management has to be done. My business was at a near collapse this past month. Issues like commitment, loyalty and trust have been tested at an all time high. Training men and women are very different. Women cry, which is disturbing and men placate. The ush. Both are much more irritating than simply saying "okay". I must re-evaluate hiring young people. And by young I mean under 30. I don't have time for the growing pains. And it's my fault. I like to be teacher, auntie, sister, mother. I'm everyone's friend and so everyone is WAY TOO COMFORTABLE. It has been an issue of mine for years actually. To the point that no one even knows I'm disappointed until I flip out because they'd never think it was their bad. Far be it for anyone to think that.

In any event, I've managed to move out of my place, secure another, and go on tour without a heart attack. Something, however, has got to give. I have a slew of new employees in my stead just waiting to pop out in case these others cannot get the "entitled" bug out of their system. There is a recession. I like the older, self-assured, decisive, mothers who I've hired who know that they have to pay bills and can just knock the shit out and say thank you at the end of the day instead of dragging my nipples to the floor.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Jet Lag

Been up since 330am.
Trying to get a head start on these tours.

So sad to be back. Really focusing on how to make enough to be able to sit there during the summer. And then I wonder if my ship has sailed to do so. It was amazing.

The black girls there...well. Weird. I dunno how to feel about that and the perception. I'm still processing.

I know I have tons of boxes in my house and I actually am ready to move INTO a place. I feel like maybe now isn't the time for my roommate event. It's taking some time and while I'm not really into stressing about ha ing a place or caring to stay anywhere real until November 8th, suddenly, I'm ready to move into a place tomorrow. Or today as it where. I've been on Craigslist the last few hours.

I dunno. My life is overwhelming all over again. I have to run away from it just to get some rest. And when I land back into it, it's hell.

I need breakfast. I'm starving.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Dick Fiend

In the urban dictionary, it reads that a "dick fiend" is a girl who can't see, get, suck or fuck enough dicks. I had to think about that before I labeled this blog. I've been in sexy ass France for 3 weeks ending it in the MOST sexy of sexy towns...well, let me rephrase. This town is so fucking obnoxious it makes Miami look like Disneyland. And as much as I love France, i too know that these motherfuckers are full of shit. Trust. I could be blinded by the wine, but for what. They ain't shit no more than the average fucker on Rodeo drive. However, St. Tropez is still sexy as a muthafucka. Not to mention I've been staying in a small village on a hill called Ramatuelle and THAT shit was beyond sexy. And now i'm in a hotel, L'ermitage. All old and classic and in the French spirit, but it isn't complete yet. "Andre" designed the rooms and it's going to be beautiful. GOING to be. But they are under crazy construction and there are about 3 people in this hotel with everyone running around helping us. Hand and foot. So as I sit on the terrasse on the side of the hill overlooking the port of St. Tropez and listening to the Ipod and Ipod Bose speakers I provided for the bar, I'm wondering this (a la Sarah Jessica Parker).

Is it possible to get some dick BEFORE I leave on Tuesday?

(And yes I had some in Paris, but that was WEEK(S) ago!)

So yeah, St. Tropez, in all of your inflated glory, what's up with the dick?

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Lacanau - NO!

Gotdamn Lacanau and it's riptides. I didn't know what a riptide was until I was in it. It was very helpful swimming OUT to catch the surf, but then when I was IN the surf, it was like a washing machine and you're the drawers that get stuck on the spinner. AND those cupcake jellyfish who the locals tell me "pas mechant" , not mean? What the hell does that mean? All I know is they were EVERYWHERE. But I couldn't worry about that. I was more worried about being sucked under. Did I catch waves? I guess, yes. No yes. I caught waves. But then, I was hit by one coming from the left. There were no set sets. It was stupid and exhausting and they told me September was a better time. Ha.

AND the weather was lousy. So we left for St. Tropez where it's high 80's.

Along the way, we ran into a city called Carsaconne. It's an 11th century castle built and ruled by the Trecval Family from the Roman era. Talk about AMAZING. It was like being in Shrek. It looked like Princess Fiona's castle. And all the wonders included.
The dopest thing is this festival they have. Tonight Lenny Kravitz is playing and Seal next week. Depeche Mode was there the night before we arrived. It was truly amazing.

Now we're in a little village above St. Tropez called Ramatuelle. I was truly worried for a little while about working away from home. Then I realized I have been working a long time to get it so the world is my office. I have my two computers on my hip. Nothing is wrong in the world. I can still do daysheets. I quit a client that was causing me drama. And now I'm in St. Tropez. Will.I.Am has a party here in a couple of days, all is cool. It's nice to have my titties back out on the beach!

Monday, July 6, 2009


Goes to you Michael!

My cousin got tickets to the lottery and invited me and here I am still fucking around in no wave having ass Lacanau.

Oh Michael.......

Sunday, July 5, 2009

La Postina

I'm in the middle of a forest. Sleepy as hell. Glad to have missed that damn cupcake looking jelly fish. Damn jelly fish. Let's just say I've been talking about Lacanau, France since my douchebag old fling. Since the Wayne tour canceled, I was able to manipulate myself into a tour de France of my own. We drove to Bordeaux full of beer and cheese and chorizo. Didn't arrive until late in the evening in which I had to find my way through the winding and confusing streets of centre ville. After which we discovered a market place of BARS. Straight bars. Like a "Bar Off". Like the "You Got Served" of bars. I plop my ass down with my Guadeloupian people as usual.

But I'm too far ahead.


Met up with an island boy who I'd been meaning to meet up with. Great. Fantastic. Gigantor is his nickname. But as island boys are and do....and I dont want to be mean. But, yes, my expectations are high and those who tempt to tame the shrew, well...ya know.

Anyway. Paris, clubs under a bridge, bitch ass bar at Hotel Plaza Athenee, and my favorite italian restaurant, my FAVE lingerie canceled, now what are we going to do?

TOUR DE FRANCE!!! My version. I've been dying to surf in Lacanau. My french and surf, i'm thinking....this is gonna be the best trip on the planet.

My friend and I set off, cheese, bread and chorizo in hand, on a road trip to Bordeaux. We arrived know that the directions given are worse than New Jersey here? Like, people shouldn't drive in other countries until they read what all of the signs mean. It's stupid. I wasted an hour just from no sign comprehension.

We unloaded our 50 bags and set off for food. Of course at 12:00am no food was available. My ass, as usual, finds the Guadeloupean bar at the "Bar Off" and we proceed to drink Planteurs, the Guadaloupean version of a rum punch.

A group of loud , drunk , obnoxious but cute Chileans came by and spoke to us in Spancais, or Franish. So we had no choice but to follow them. We found ourselves in a lovely bar of straight people. no really. they were straight, so I thought. It was the DJ who was a raving queen. He told me so as soon as I ordered my 3 beers, but the accent was in French. I give him credit for summoning his inner black girl.

IN any event, his playlist was:
It Raining Men - The Weather Girls (formerly known as Two Tons of Fun)
Think - Aretha Franklin
Hot Stuff - Donna Summer
I'm so Excited - Pointer Sisters

All that hot dancing and I had to run from my 23 year old Chileans. FRICKEN 23 YEAR OLDS LET ME BE!
So we come home. I do a little midnight work (4am work actually) and honestly, this is the 4th night home at 4am. I gotta stop this shit. I mean really.

So got up this morning/afternoon, got an Ipod plug at the Virgin Megastore and drove to Cap Ferret.

The beach is bordered by a beautiful forest where people camp. It's the camp / holiday spot for normal French people....the ones who camp with their families, not traipse the Rue St Honore in hopes of Givenchy sales and Lanvin mark downs.

At our beach bar, I see some crazy fine Costa Rican French boy. Sweet Jesus. God IS the best architect cuz that child was too beautiful for words. We had beers and ZZ Top. It was then i realized that ZZ Top was the truth and not just some redneck band. I'm still downloading the boxed set.

After nasty bloody marys and coffee, we headed to the beach, in which I found an open surf rental.

Wack board, but fuck it. I'm in France fricking surfing.

In the midst of battling high tide and an inconsistent current, I see a cupcake in the water. I'm thinking, why are people so fucking trashy? It's not just Cali, even in France throw their shit in the water. Shortly thereafter I felt some tickling on my feet. Worse case scenario i'm always thinking in the water, but there was that stupid CUPCAKE! Upon second glance, it was just a giant striped Jellyfish. GIANT STRIPED JELLY FISH. I caught a wave so fast just to get out that bitch you woulda thought I was a pro.

Fuck Jellyfish.

Stupid jellyfish.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Il Fait Chaud commes des Balons

Le temps: il y a soleil. Mais actuallement, il fait chaud commes les balons. Hier, j'ai promene des Invalides a mon hotel de merde le Novotel. Je pense le seulement chose qui est bon de l'hotel est ma vue de la Seine et la statue de liberte originale. L'autre chose est la Gwadadian rasta fils que je suis reconnu, mais c'est une autre histoire.
Peut-etre il est le mieux histoire parce que rien se passe a Paris depuis j'arrive. Le tour me fait malade. La groupe est disorganise dans un bout qui me fait, literallement, malade. J'essaye aquirer le patience mais chacque jour je me sens comme ma tete va exploder ou ma coeur. Entre BEP et Lil Wayne, tous mes employes nouveaux, le blog, mes reves, je suis accable.

Mon amie, Nadine, habite ici avec sa nouvelle bebe. Jolie Nila....comme Vanille. Elle est si jolie et douce.
Et mon ami, dit que j'ai touce sa couer. tres aimable. Paris Paris. J'espere que j'ai plus de temps ici sans les negres!