Look who's back

I tried to take a break....but...you know the old adage..."every time I try to get out, they keep pulling me back in."  It's a good think to take breaks.  You get some time to sort out all of the goofy shit on your mind...particularly girly shit.  Things you were taught by society that you had to do or SUPPOSED to be when really, you don't have to do any of that.  As one of my favorite antagonizers told me "change your script" (thanks Zo).  And so, having the incredible blessing that I cannot say came anywhere else but from God, I've had the pleasure of transitioning from the hardest craziest most ridiculous hip hop to working with every great gospel artist you can imagine.  It's pretty amazing the change in perspective when everyone around you is fixated on blessings and goodness, how world perspective can change.  My frown lines may even disappear!  It's not that the work is any less difficult or challenging...which I am happy for (being home is downright boring), it's just my soul feels better about the outcome.  It's not brain surgery.  Everything WILL indeed be okay.  I'm not too old, I haven't missed out on anything, life's a bowl of cherries.  So I dig into this tour whole heartedly and with no regrets.  Let's go!  I can do 6 weeks in my sleep!

Now....about the same peripheral jackasses I have to deal with on the road....
What I did enjoy about taking some time off was getting in touch with my kinder, gentler self. Not being angry.  Taking everything with a grain of salt.  I have been called "Princess" and "Boss" by this new travel agent I have to use...who does very little and talks very much.  Those condescending pet names men use that actually mean "bitch"?  Yeah....I can't wait to emasculate him like a good black woman should (sorry Zo. He has it coming).  Tina Fey says...fuck that...be yourself in "Bossypants" - well she sort of says that.  So, yeah...fuck that.  Tomorrow...it's on.

Women vs Pitbulls

I look at Bleu and I think...wow...she is so loyal, to a fault.  Pitts do anything their owners tell them.  It's in their nature. They will fight to the death because their owner tells them to.  They are sturdy.  They are hardworking.  They are strong. They are loving and loyal and tough and sweet and growl.

I find that "strong" women...not necessarily only independent....ones maybe with daddy issues, mommy issues, ones who haven't had the opportunity to work through their post modern nuclear families - are comparable.  We are loyal and fearless and hardworking - in fact workaholics - anything to be agreeable and do a good job.   Oh...and then we're "bitches".

I believe it's not until we are honest with ourselves and our wants and our needs -- also known as "vulnerable" -- who will trust us?  We can't even trust ourselves.  We make decisions based on thoughts not our heart.  Ideals not realism.  Where does the balance lie?  These types of women are so extreme we almost miss the person that comes into our life that actually works with us.  How can we devote time to a relationship when we are so devoted to being strong and independent.  Then we judge everything based on that. 

On top of that, we  get into a career that dictates our choices for us and forget the things that actually make our hearts sing.  What even fills us up?  Being told we're bawse ass bitches?  Working behind niggas who will always call us sisters.  I have more HOMEBOYS/BROTHERS than I can shake a stick at!  Them niggas don't ever marry our types.   they don't teach us nothing.  They fuck with mealy mouth bitches who don't say shit.  And shutting up is like kryptonite to us.

We, then  do all the despicable shit we would never want done to us - hide shit, lie , hold secrets, buy gifts -- and then have to go home and look at ourselves in the mirror.  All for a paycheck and to be a bawse.

It's funny...I've worked for men who knew without a shadow of a doubt to hire women only.  why?  Because women give a fuck and will fight to the finish and run themselves ragged and are nurturers.  So NOW I feel like we are being sold a bill of goods.

This new independence does not lead us to tolerance nor patience nor understanding about the WORK it takes to love some one unconditionally - that means understanding by the way.

And who wants to accept defeat?  Who wants to say, damn I'm just a girl after all.  I just want a family and cook and hang out.  But damn, I sure will miss flying in and out of town 3 - 4 times per month?

Now that I've moved into TV/Film...at least its a new place to go into and hunt and gather.  But the "boys club" shit?  That mentality? Fighting against that wall...is not only frustrating, it can make you shoot someone. 

oh yes...Sexism is alive and very prevalent.

RENTAL BEDS

There are some airports that have rental beds I believe.  I'm sure there could be some sort of ramifications from this eventually, but right now I'd take them all.  I know what you're thinking...."they're called 'hotels' Tina".  But 5 hours doesn't justify 150 GBP.  I'm going to have this same problem in a week for a crazy layover in Frankfurt -- that one is 11 hours.  I love LA but traveling to Europe or Africa from LA sucks balls.  I'm drinking luke warm tea and bad cabernet after a 10 hour flight and waiting for 5 hours to take another 10 hour flight.  I had such plans upon arrival to Dubai but I think the only plan I'm going to have is a bath.  My neck hurts, my backs sore.  This shit is awful.  I'm getting cabin fever just thinking about my upcoming 10 hour flight, though I usually knock out for at least 8 of that.

On the first leg there was a screaming child.  Toddler.  There were so many baby girls just enjoying the ride and then there was this screaming little boy who needed a whoopun.  I would have gladly obliged but I was in the window seat and couldn't get out fast enough to snatch his screaming ass up. I don't know why I was mad at him.  He was simply getting away with what I wanted to do.  I bet half the people on the plane wanted to scream like that little boy. 

But Alas, my phone works.  My client's interview will take place.  Everyone's bio has been sent to the producer and the 10 hours didn't affect business.  THAT'S what's important.  That and my left hip.  Sweet Jesus.

Now to find a rental shower so I can change my drawers....at least they let you take those on the plane.

I long for the weather of the desert....Equator or bust!

There Once Was a Tour Manager from Nantucket

There once was a tour manager from Nantucket
Who worked for a decade as a puppet
She reached to the top
then she finally stopped
And simply told everyone "Fuck it"!


Probably the hardest thing you'll ever do is stand up for yourself. Throw caution to the wind and go for the odds....just....one....last.....time.

Mostly because you only live once.  And hell I don't know a business person who's never held themselves back before all hell broke loose.  But what a hard lesson to learn.  What lesson is that you say?
Confidence.
Not big mouth "Love and Hip Hop" talking confidence either.

I mean, fuck you, face your demons, beat yourself up and come back on top kind of confidence.  Where you are truly clear.  There are no regrets.  I'm looking in this mirror and me likey type of confidence.

Have you looked in your mirror today?