Change is constant

This month has been a whirlwind, and with all of the confidentiality agreements I've signed, I can't begin to maneuver a way to type....well....anything.

I know that my tendency to be reactionary blew up in my face....leading me down the peaceful, humbling, and ever needed road of "Begging". Never knew how important begging was and fighting for something was until I couldn't do without it. Whoa. On the other side of vulnerable and it turns out, you don't necessarily feel played every minute of the day like I thought you would. Turns out, it gives you strength....strength I needed to store up on since my role model left the earth...opening night. I did four more shows after hearing the news the my grandfather.....my daddy, the reason the bar is set so incredibly high , passed away. Quickly, in His chair, no pain, quietly and dignified which are his trademarks. Quiet, dignified, honorable gentleman. That's Joe Farris. Can you imagine how different the world would be if those were the characteristics we looked for in a mate VS height and credit score? Joe Farris was the complete package. He could build houses single-handedly and inspect the work himself, get it passed by city inspectors, no problem. He built my first computer. Yes, I said "built". In fact he made all of our first computers...and the desks they sat upon. Always stood up when a lady entered or left the room. Generous...offered whatever he had and suggested "no's" when it couldn't be done or not wise to do so. Ahh...and wise. So wise and knowledgeable about the world, maps, logistics, and the people of the world and what their purpose is.
My papa lived a full life....and as his stoic wife told me, "it was his time. We were blessed. It never got to a point where he couldn't dress himself, etc....he experienced true quality of life.". We're all pretty shocked...of course. Our foundation has been rattled. This one is rough. It's going to take a minute. This is the grandkids first one.....and I'm the oldest....my babies....

Men I love

(in no particular order)

Silbert -- Happy Birthday
Steven -- loves his mama -- niggas who love dey mamas is the best
Shawn and Polo and Justin and Bobby Detroit and Bobby Burbank -- my ride or dies
Donray
Muhammed
Tarik
Ahmir
Kirk

umm.....that's about it :-)

And my booboo!

Marsha Ambrosius: Late Nights & Early Mornings

I've been waiting for this album to come out since November. I do adore her so. I'm so happy she has a solo career. Not for nothing, while Floetry was cool I'm no big fan of spoken word. I was at a program the other night and they were celebrating my grandfather. This lovely lady wrote a beautiful poem and delivered in that spoken word cadence that makes my skin crawl. So rude, I know.

But back to Marsha and this delightful love album she put out. Just in time for me to be in love. The harder I work, the more I find a reason to love someone...else....heh. "Lose Myself" is EVERYTHING....I mean EVERYTHING. The album is so honest and plain. Good writing. I'm looking for good writing. I wish I could write. Publishing. Yes Marsha.

My roommates and I teared up over the Far Away video this morning. It was so modern day Threes Company like us. Kudos Marsha. It's about damn time!

The End Game

I think I just turned the page in life. The one where I don't ask "what I'm going to do when I grow up" to "what's your end game". Where people say, "you're at the age where...." Decisions decisions. The age where I'm not only planning my week long extravaganza 40th birthday, but, when offered jobs, the questions are always. "what is your end game?". I'm not sure if that's exciting or not. The first thing I think of is my mothers impending retirement, my aunt's getting out of the hospital, my dream house in Malibu, etc. But the "end game" is how you actually make this happen. This is what we've been dreaming about all this time right? And what does the end game consist of?
Finances
Frozen eggs
better credit
pay off student loans
vineyard in Tuscany
A book
A TV show
A movie
....I dunno, these sound more like goals again. I guess if I comprise all of my goals to my end game, then I would have a new focus.

I'm raising my 21 year old niece who's excited about life and wondering what she's going to do. I'm reaming her about goals and responsibility and all of the fantastic choices and options she has and blah blah blah. And here I am, smoking a Parliament on my back porch asking myself the same damn thing. I should probably go work out or have sex or something.