FUCK TWITTER

None of my aka's are available.
So no, I won't be twittering.

Sons of bitches.

COOCHIE CONNOISSEUR

So, I'm having this procedure and my gynecologist is also the surgeon. He's super fine. Always has been.
I ask him why he became a gynecologist. Like...what is it that just draws you to...ya know.....he said his father is a gyno and he doesn't know, he's just into uteruses.....(uteri?). Weirdo. But he's single and 37 and uber fine. What if I started dating my doctor? He does surf, so you never know. But someone should write a movie about that....wait, I may have said far too much.

My wonderful home boy and I had an ICHAT convo regarding my procedure this week. Oh single independent woman......

HIM: your date still the 23rd?
ME: yessir, yessir
HIM: nice
ME: very nice
HIM: you're gonna be fine and feel so much better
ME: i can't wait, really I can't. It's 99 degrees here literally

HIM: crazy, wow. thats crazy. Its like monsoon season here

ME: I should have surfed today. went yesterday and I sucked. today sucks too. I don't know why Im trying to do everything in one second like I'm never going to do anything else again. Maybe I'm freaked out about having to be still.

HIM: its natural
ME: My doctor and another friend of mine tell me i have to move to feel better

HIM: And you'll be still for less time than you think

ME: exactly, then i'm ready for my life to be different
HIM: Of course, thats the point. You haven't slowed down in a long time. Now when you start up again you can actually point your self in the direction you wanna go.

ME: So scary. I'm still in planning mode
HIM: ha
ME: How will i have a kid and support it if i can't be on the road

HIM: No, you're just where you're supposed to be

ME: I met a boy who made me think a bit differently about the whole surrogate daddy thing

HIM: how so?

ME: Then spoke with a girlfriend who's adamant about going to a sperm bank. He's a super dad and is primary caretaker of his kids and he's TOTALLY a sacrificer for his family. TOTALLY. Like those supposedly really great characteristics?
and he lives in hawaii
He never wants to go on the road and just wants his family to be proud of him

HIM: wow, cool
ME: And was truly concerned and strongly voiced his opinion about how I shouldn't let my child be raised without it's father
HIM: that sounds like a guy who really loves his family and knows himself
ME: yeah yeah, right. And I have no clue who i am cuz I'm planning my life away. plan plan plan plan plan. blah blah blah
HIM: heheheh
ME: like, planning not to have a daddy around who i'm in love with, planning to have a tour bus with a nursery, planning to do everything by myself

HIM: that sucks. let go
ME: of?

HIM: your pre-conceived notions of what is possible
ME: ok i will

HIM: I'm trying to do the same. I think its a right of passage
ME: i thought we went through this in the early 30's already
HIM: ha, this is like the transition from Sophomore to Junior year
ME: well fuck me. I have senioritis
HIM: don't we all


In other news, I found this website http://ourfriendben.wordpress.com/2009/04/01/more-white-trash-desserts/

What is this fantastic website? It's amazing. That lemonade frozen whipped delight thing will fast become my summer favorite.

SEXUAL PRIME

My hormones are going retardo.
I'm having hot flashes.
I'm hungry then not hungry.
And I'm horny beyond belief. I feel like the Good Werewolf who hides himself from the moon so as not to hurt any of his loved ones. I am said Werewolf and Lord knows I'm trying so hard not to hurt no body.
I am having a procedure which requires hospital stay and...well, a waiting period on the humps. So I'm on t minus 3 days til show time and I'm scrambling. I have nerve enough to be choosy. And then, the worst part is that I do sort of act like a dude about the whole thing. Call exes, maybe. Act like they are smart and I'm interested in their new relationships. When really, I'm waiting for them to cry into my arms in search of understanding. Sigh. It's a sickness I think. I'm being much easier on myself than I am on dudes who act the same way. I'm being a selfish conniving cunt and it's all because I'm thinking with me cl*t.

There, I said it. I feel so free.

How NOT to fuck a B Boy

Funny thing about these youngins, and as I've said before, Cougars are made, is that they are persistent little fucks. Just when you clear one "end of the tour" fling with a modest kiss, you go to the next tour and it's the "last show" there too. Mix up the White House and possible Obama sightings, a hot ex who it's better not to fuck, another ex who's a douche bag, and a few bowling games and you've got the perfect scenario to go ahead and get with the 27 year old who's pined after you for so long. Like a reward for holding out. Okay, maybe I'm just pmsing and looking for any reason to get laid. He is cute, but I mean, i've already fucked one person on this particular tour...and while it was a "thing" (or so I thought) and this one wouldn't be, it just seems too risky. Too risky to what? Whom? no one. My psyche and the possibility that tomorrow morning he looks at me weird and I'll have to slap the dogshit out of him on the White House lawn.
Let me resort to my fail safe... Pornhub. That way I can shake the alcohol and the exes all in in one.

New boy doesn't have a chance.

I THINK WE'RE IN TROUBLE

Boss man saw our little practical joke on the daysheet today. I don't know if it went over well. But I hear I'm not fired, so...I'll just prepare for Drake's retaliation.....keep posted.

CHANGE

I am so sorry for lagging. I have had many exciting adventures that I wanted to blog about but didn't.

Quickly - First Black Eyed Peas show during miami Winter Music Conference. It was bananas. First time seeing old flame. Fuck head. Sitll a fucking douche. Hung out with my beautiful Venezuelan friend who played the perfect quasi-boyfriend. To a T. I need to hire him for outings more often. Great arm candy and smart to boot? Love him. Hung out at Diddy's mansion on star island with the fantastic Miss dream hampton. Fucked a 23 year old cutey patootey....and then made it to Vegas for the Weezy show. I was loving life for 60 hours. LOVING IT.

Lost a mint in Vegas. Fucking Vegas. Fuck Vegas. I hate Vegas.

Got home and all my friends got great seats in LA for a crazy ass LA concert. Jesus, tickets in LA are a beast. A BEAST I tell you. Your whole day is consumed with it. It's amazing. My best home boy brought his "girl". The one who rewards him for his bad behavior -- his quote. Asshole. Love him to death.

Then....went and did a show in hometown, Sacramento. Awesome. Saw my old cheerleader homies. It's amazing how many people become building security guards, right? They are usually fat too. I dunno, just something I noticed.

I got a day home with the grandparents and mommy... my grandma and grandpa love to fuss at each other. They are so funny. I love them.

Then, I played hookie from the Portland show and went straight to Honolulu.
Oh Honolulu. My honoluluan picked me up and it was on and POPPIN. DAMN my surfing got better. I mean, Waikiki has slow rolling waves. Anyone can stand up on them. But it felt good after all the trials in Cali on the cold ass water to have my ass out in warm water standing up. I need to bend my legs better. But whatthefuckever! I can surf! I can surf!

And the hanging out with the Honoluluan....wow. I have never met a more promising man in all of my life. But I can't get into all that....just know that if a nigga comes at you talking about "sacrifice", that's the mothafucka to be down with. Whew. I was so depressed when I left Honolulu, I did what any good independent woman does....I started a fight, cursed him out and broke up with him.

Ahhhhh, some things never change.......