Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Chevron and 60 year olds

Normally I would say...."yo, the waves at El Porto weren't bullshittin'"  my surf brethren would correct me.   Correct terminology being, "Dude, it was going OFF today."  I'll say.   Going off up my nose, down my throat.  My ass was going OFF that gotdamn surfboard in freezing ass water.  56 degrees my ass.  My surf report ALSO said  "fair" with little shit waves - 2 -4 ft.  I get there and there are walls of 6 - 7 feet waves coming towards me.  WALLS.  I try to swim from the outside, it follows.  Try to go up the middle, board too big to duck dive.  What the fuck.    I asked this man photographing his son who was new.  In my best, I'm-such-a-surfer voice , "hard to get out today , huh".  His response?  
"I'm 60.  I can't be fighting all that shit to get out there.  Just ride the white wash!" 

And he was right.  So that's what I did.  I gave up trying to penetrate the wall and found another way.   I swirled around in cold as white wash and found some other way to up my skills.  You can't practice swimming in a pool.  It's flat. Boring.  You'll never know how good you are.  I think you have to learn in the ocean.  You have to battle the waves.  Something larger than yourself.  How else do you meet a challenge?

However, as luck would have it, I did manage to see quite a big booty ho riding the fuck out of those big wall waves.  It encouraged me to swim harder.  Who was this big bootied brown girl riding waves in Manhattan Beach?  Could I possibly find a surf buddy?  So I swam, got knocked back.  She kept riding.  Swam harder, over...oh yes....let me hurry before the next set....negative. Got knocked back again.  Swallowed gallons of Chevron water and finally, after swimming in place for 15 minutes, I called it a fucking day.

Showered off my body and my board and as I walked to the car...who should I see out of the water heading my way but..."BIG BOOTIED SURF GIRL!!!"  I was thrilled.  Someone to teach me to surf.  We'd be best buddies.  We'd talk about how hard it was to be a woman surfing, let alone black and the locals! Oh joy.  She was actually parked in the car next to mine.  O-M-G!! The closer she got the more I realized she wasn't no regular black girl.  She must be mixed with something though, all that ass.  I thought, hmm, maybe she's Columbian.  Shakira got a big booty and she's Columbian.  Nope, wait, maybe Tongan.  Samoan? Naw she don't look Samoan she look Columbian.. oh damn, our surfboards are almost the same!....maybe....  Maybe I scared her off from staring so damn hard. 
She probably thought I was some weirdo surf dyke as she screeched out of the parking lot.  
I should have started at "hello".

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